It's officially the day before I am to have gastric bypass surgery. The thoughts going through my head right now are probably not what you'd imagine. Sure, some of them are the usual I hope nothing bad happens during the surgery, I hope I don't forget to pack my toothbrush, dear God I'm not looking forward to the Magnesium Citrate. Yet largely, I am thinking of how I've come to this place, the unknowns that lie beyond tomorrow and reeling over how much this will change my life.
Naturally the health aspect is going to change my life for the better. No arguing there, and that is the main reason for taking this risk. Tandem to that reason is that giving myself a healthy body to deal with is another giant step toward more empowering and profound self-respect. I genuinely love myself, and it took a lot of struggle to figure out how to make that more obvious to myself (and others). While I don't think of myself as unworthy of respect because I'm fat, at the end of the day, I wouldn't treat one of my beloved friends the way I've been treating my body. That's been circling around my mind for a few years. There was just a bit more to work out emotionally and mentally before I could take this step, and Dr. Dick (my therapist) has helped with that tremendously.
What's important for me to remember, and to point out here, is that the success of this undertaking is on me and it is NOT an easy fix. I honestly think that many of my co-workers (who are all aware of what I'm doing), think I'm going to come back thin. I've had to explain to many of them, that this isn't like a tummy tuck. I'm not on Extreme Makeover. I'm not going to walk back into work a month from now looking like a supermodel. There's work to be done and my doing this is not just to ensure that I lose weight, but the making of a permanent commitment to myself to make the rest of my life a healthy one.
I have never been thin in my mind. Never. Even when I was thin, I was being convinced by my mother that I was a disgusting monster. I will be treated differently. That isn't a guess. I believe I'm now in a place where I can withstand that emotionally and mentally without it effecting my commitment. But man… its going to bring some shit up! Just going to have to cross that bridge when it does and deal.
I'm worried I will be ugly once the weight is off. Seem strange? I'll bet it does.
I'm concerned about the financial strain this will put on me, when I already make next to nothing in the shittiest economy I've known. I'm sure I'll find a way to muddle through.
I'm excited.
I'm hopeful.
I'm ready.
Let it begin…
