It's 2 am on the morning of my fifth day. As with any large undertaking, there is a period of adjustment and let's face it... mine is just beginning.
Monday wasn't bad, though I didn't make it to meal six. I was so tired of eating that I went home and crawled in bed without having had my lean and green. Tuesday was better, had leftover steak in the fridge (from my Death Row dinner on Sunday), but no veggies. Money's been super tight. Shopping hasn't been a priority. Already, I'm seeing how things have gone from questionable to downright idiotic in my eating habits in the past. Puttin' an end to that nonsense right away.
Wednesday was the welcome lunch for my new boss, and I worried that dining out would be a problem, but it really wasn't. Had the most delicious seafood salad, that was completely on program and would probably not have been my choice otherwise. Funny how that works. Then after I got out of my photography class, I found myself unable to stomach the idea of another sweet thing, and was a craving savory, salty, meaty something. Thinking I would still try to be "good", I got a protien style hamburger from Carl's Jr. EPIC DISASTER! My body HATED that choice and I got a bit sick.
A couple of mornings this week, I've woken up lightheaded and a bit woozy to the tummy. I'm taking this as part of my body adjusting to things. Suddenly giving up Diet Coke, I suspect, had everything to do with feeling super sick and having the world's most heinous headache. Its happened before when I tried to give DC up, so I know this will pass.
I can already see how I am going to survive on this program. Mostly it will come down to bars and the drinks and the crisps. They're all palatable, if not obnoxiously sweet, and FAR better than I would otherwise choose during the course of my day. Now that I'm about to get back into the pottery studio, it's going to be even more essential to have “good” meals be that easy and handy.
As for changes thus far, I have been remiss in measuring myself. I will this weekend. But I can already tell you that my body is feeling much different. My clothes are already looser, my feet and ankles aren't swollen by the end of a day of sitting at my desk, my energy is high, my mood is pretty good and while my hormones are clearly going through a shock / adjustment I suspect that will get on track soon enough.
Now, as I lay my head down to catch a few Zzzzs before work, I can still taste that horrible chemical aftertaste in my mouth. I'll get used to it. After all, I didn't always like Diet Coke.
This weekend, creating inspiration...
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Take Shape For Life – Day One:
To say that I’m excited about finally starting this program would be a crass understatement. Ever since I decided this was the move I wanted to make, I’ve been feeling like a revved up racehorse, anxiously waiting for the starter gun to go off. Getting the order placed for the first month’s food was a trial in and of itself (and less so thanks to KJ), but once that obstacle was overcome it became clear that another, more daunting task lay ahead; figuring out which of these “meals” are going to be palatable for the duration of the program.
Right away I’ll be frank and say that the oatmeal is one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten. I suspect the pretense of sweetener is the culprit, nevertheless a wholly unsatisfying experience in terms of flavor and texture. Was I full? Pretty much, I’m shocked to admit. If nothing it else, that chemical aftertaste served as a severely good motivation to drink more water! HA! My TSFL Heath Coach assures me that my taste buds will adjust. That may be. I feel like maybe I could just do without the oatmeal and eat something else. After all this program is about getting the weight off, developing a life-long healthy relationship with food and convenience of not having to count calories and spend my whole weekend fixing meals in advance. It’s not to retrain my taste buds to enjoy food that isn’t actually delicious. I would genuinely hate that. Good food is art to me. I certainly wouldn’t let someone jab out my eyes just because gazing at Calder mobiles all day made me tubby!
That said, some of this stuff actually is reasonably tasty. Right away, I can tell that the Mint Chocolate bars are going to be a regular go-to. I’m sure there are those who would find this ironic, but I don’t crave and choose to eat sweets very often and a lot of this stuff gears toward the sweet tooth. Usually, I do want a little sweet thing after a particularly savory meal, but often a mint would do just fine and any over-consumption of candies has been due to having nothing else quick to grab out of the machine at work. So when I look at the vast majority of the food in the big box that arrived on Friday, I find these questions coming to mind, “Will this program cause me to crave sweets as a result? Or will I have so many sweet things that I pretty much never want anything sweet again?” Time, I suppose, will tell.
Its 5:39 and I’ve just eaten meal FIVE of the day. I can’t believe I still have one more to eat. I’m sitting here thinking, “Dear GOD, I don’t think I can fit any more in.” The reality is that I don’t normally eat this much which is largely why I have been packing the weight on. The assumption that all big people are constantly “hoovering” in mass quantities of snack cakes and bacon and cleaning out the buffets is, at this point, ridiculously ignorant. Some do! But we all get to this place by different routes. For me, lately, my bane has been lacking time and appetite, crossed with 12 hours of sitting at a desk. Generally I would eat two big meals a day. One at lunch time (then sit), then one after work (and sleep). Even with waiting three hours before bed, your body isn’t going to kick in the metabolism that way. So eating constantly during the day is momentarily a massive shock to my body. It’s not as though the meals are huge. But the cocoa is really filling (which I had for meal three) and it took me a while to drink it while I work. The bars aren’t huge either, but if you listen to your body, they fill you enough without making you feel like pleasant. Even the heinous oatmeal put a dent in my hunger quite easily and I had soy crisps for a snack. So four meals and a snack more than I’m used to having by this time of day, I am stuffed! I’m fine. I avoided not one but TWO birthday cakes, donuts, scones, pizza and hot wings… and there is no part of me that feels deprived.
It’s all about deciding that this is what I want… to succeed. There will still be cake when I’m done. There will still be hot wings and pizza. I may not want them or crave them, but if I do, they will be there. And by then, I will be working out so regularly and living so much healthier that one indulgence won’t kill me. So even with the horrid oatmeal, I feel well supported for the road ahead.
Coming soon... the before photo and measurements!
Right away I’ll be frank and say that the oatmeal is one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten. I suspect the pretense of sweetener is the culprit, nevertheless a wholly unsatisfying experience in terms of flavor and texture. Was I full? Pretty much, I’m shocked to admit. If nothing it else, that chemical aftertaste served as a severely good motivation to drink more water! HA! My TSFL Heath Coach assures me that my taste buds will adjust. That may be. I feel like maybe I could just do without the oatmeal and eat something else. After all this program is about getting the weight off, developing a life-long healthy relationship with food and convenience of not having to count calories and spend my whole weekend fixing meals in advance. It’s not to retrain my taste buds to enjoy food that isn’t actually delicious. I would genuinely hate that. Good food is art to me. I certainly wouldn’t let someone jab out my eyes just because gazing at Calder mobiles all day made me tubby!
That said, some of this stuff actually is reasonably tasty. Right away, I can tell that the Mint Chocolate bars are going to be a regular go-to. I’m sure there are those who would find this ironic, but I don’t crave and choose to eat sweets very often and a lot of this stuff gears toward the sweet tooth. Usually, I do want a little sweet thing after a particularly savory meal, but often a mint would do just fine and any over-consumption of candies has been due to having nothing else quick to grab out of the machine at work. So when I look at the vast majority of the food in the big box that arrived on Friday, I find these questions coming to mind, “Will this program cause me to crave sweets as a result? Or will I have so many sweet things that I pretty much never want anything sweet again?” Time, I suppose, will tell.
Its 5:39 and I’ve just eaten meal FIVE of the day. I can’t believe I still have one more to eat. I’m sitting here thinking, “Dear GOD, I don’t think I can fit any more in.” The reality is that I don’t normally eat this much which is largely why I have been packing the weight on. The assumption that all big people are constantly “hoovering” in mass quantities of snack cakes and bacon and cleaning out the buffets is, at this point, ridiculously ignorant. Some do! But we all get to this place by different routes. For me, lately, my bane has been lacking time and appetite, crossed with 12 hours of sitting at a desk. Generally I would eat two big meals a day. One at lunch time (then sit), then one after work (and sleep). Even with waiting three hours before bed, your body isn’t going to kick in the metabolism that way. So eating constantly during the day is momentarily a massive shock to my body. It’s not as though the meals are huge. But the cocoa is really filling (which I had for meal three) and it took me a while to drink it while I work. The bars aren’t huge either, but if you listen to your body, they fill you enough without making you feel like pleasant. Even the heinous oatmeal put a dent in my hunger quite easily and I had soy crisps for a snack. So four meals and a snack more than I’m used to having by this time of day, I am stuffed! I’m fine. I avoided not one but TWO birthday cakes, donuts, scones, pizza and hot wings… and there is no part of me that feels deprived.
It’s all about deciding that this is what I want… to succeed. There will still be cake when I’m done. There will still be hot wings and pizza. I may not want them or crave them, but if I do, they will be there. And by then, I will be working out so regularly and living so much healthier that one indulgence won’t kill me. So even with the horrid oatmeal, I feel well supported for the road ahead.
Coming soon... the before photo and measurements!
Monday, January 18, 2010
A new journey begins.
A year ago, on March 27, I commented to a friend about how much slimmer she looked. I was thrilled for her, knowing she'd wrestled with how to get the weight off previously and she explained that she and her boyfriend had gone on a program that she found through her friend Anita and that Anita would be at her birthday party the following night if I wanted to learn more about it.
At the time, I remember my stomach tying in knots. It always does when someone has a suggestion about how I can lose weight. I'm always fearful that they're going to become dogged about it with me, checking on every weigh in, watching everything I eat (which has happened to me so many times I've lost count). Even now, I can't be certain if the vomiting and headache that ensued later that night and for the entirety of the next two days (thus disallowing me to go to the party) was the over-exposure to the sun or some kind of resistance to being approached by a diet peddler. Perhaps it was both.
Five months later, at the boyfriend's birthday party, I finally met Anita. In fact I probably spent nearly the entire party talking with her about various things, and even a bit about the program she works with called Take Shape For Life, which (as I understand it thus far) is a combination of the Medifast diet and personalized support from a Health Coach (ie. Anita).
I can't say now what made me think this program would be the right one for me. After all, I know I can lose weight with the Suzanne Sommers diet. I have, I do. But I think it came down to a combination of things. First, the testimonies from my friends who had utilized the program, third-person testimonies and finally one of the biggest draws... not having to think about food for a while.
It may sound strange to hear, but a good deal of the weight carry now is largely due to being utterly sick to death of trying to figure out today what I want to eat tomorrow and so on. Then there's the lack of refrigerator/freezer space where I live, the fact that we've had a barely functioning stove/oven for the last two years and the stress of a constantly changing job. The idea, right now, of having all my meals be thought out and ready is like a miracle. Finally, I had asked my doctor about eight years ago (when I'd lost a considerable amount of weight and hit a horrible plateau I couldn't get past) to put me on a meal replacement program and was denied. Instead I was offered drugs that would cost me $200 a week and would most likely be the cause of my regularly losing my bowels. Nothing like a little anal leakage amongst friends, right? So this was the kind of thing I'd hoped for and when I couldn't get it through my doctor, had pretty much given up. I can't describe the demoralization that comes from having lost 70 pounds and still be wearing the same clothing size and to know you've put in ungodly amounts of work and sacrificed to see nearly no results. It finally came down to this being a bit of a no brainer.
Still as appealing as this program sounded, and as fed up as I am with carrying around all the excess weight, there was a major hurdle... cost. Coming up with 300 dollars a month for food has been impossible. It'd be one thing if the food would show up at my door the next day, but I'd still have to eat and pay for life's little expenditures in the mean time. So although I had originally set a date to place the order in December, it took until now to get it situated.
Last night I finally placed the order and I couldn't be more excited. I know it's not going to be a complete cake walk (so to speak). Most of my socializing is done around food for a very good reason! It's economically more sensible. It's very difficult to have separate budgets for food AND entertainment. And now, knowing that orders are going to be automatically generated every month, I'm going to have to crack down even harder. But I know I can do it. I AM DOING IT. A year from now, I will be finally be able to look into the mirror and see myself without having to look beyond the pain and bad choices of my past.
Admittedly I'm scared of the changes that will inevitably come with this commitment. I know there will be some great benefits, but there will be loose skin (which will require surgery to remove) and some social changes that I have found difficult to deal with in the past. You can never underestimate how many people that are around you that need you to stay the same.
Still I've spent a lot of time besting demons and dealing with the past so I can go forward and not ever go back. I'm working again on my book, so I can purge all the stuff that haunts me, and once it's out, I won't look back. There's no need. In any journey there will always be a place of origin, I don't plan on ever going back, so there's no point in remembering how to get there.
At the time, I remember my stomach tying in knots. It always does when someone has a suggestion about how I can lose weight. I'm always fearful that they're going to become dogged about it with me, checking on every weigh in, watching everything I eat (which has happened to me so many times I've lost count). Even now, I can't be certain if the vomiting and headache that ensued later that night and for the entirety of the next two days (thus disallowing me to go to the party) was the over-exposure to the sun or some kind of resistance to being approached by a diet peddler. Perhaps it was both.
Five months later, at the boyfriend's birthday party, I finally met Anita. In fact I probably spent nearly the entire party talking with her about various things, and even a bit about the program she works with called Take Shape For Life, which (as I understand it thus far) is a combination of the Medifast diet and personalized support from a Health Coach (ie. Anita).
I can't say now what made me think this program would be the right one for me. After all, I know I can lose weight with the Suzanne Sommers diet. I have, I do. But I think it came down to a combination of things. First, the testimonies from my friends who had utilized the program, third-person testimonies and finally one of the biggest draws... not having to think about food for a while.
It may sound strange to hear, but a good deal of the weight carry now is largely due to being utterly sick to death of trying to figure out today what I want to eat tomorrow and so on. Then there's the lack of refrigerator/freezer space where I live, the fact that we've had a barely functioning stove/oven for the last two years and the stress of a constantly changing job. The idea, right now, of having all my meals be thought out and ready is like a miracle. Finally, I had asked my doctor about eight years ago (when I'd lost a considerable amount of weight and hit a horrible plateau I couldn't get past) to put me on a meal replacement program and was denied. Instead I was offered drugs that would cost me $200 a week and would most likely be the cause of my regularly losing my bowels. Nothing like a little anal leakage amongst friends, right? So this was the kind of thing I'd hoped for and when I couldn't get it through my doctor, had pretty much given up. I can't describe the demoralization that comes from having lost 70 pounds and still be wearing the same clothing size and to know you've put in ungodly amounts of work and sacrificed to see nearly no results. It finally came down to this being a bit of a no brainer.
Still as appealing as this program sounded, and as fed up as I am with carrying around all the excess weight, there was a major hurdle... cost. Coming up with 300 dollars a month for food has been impossible. It'd be one thing if the food would show up at my door the next day, but I'd still have to eat and pay for life's little expenditures in the mean time. So although I had originally set a date to place the order in December, it took until now to get it situated.
Last night I finally placed the order and I couldn't be more excited. I know it's not going to be a complete cake walk (so to speak). Most of my socializing is done around food for a very good reason! It's economically more sensible. It's very difficult to have separate budgets for food AND entertainment. And now, knowing that orders are going to be automatically generated every month, I'm going to have to crack down even harder. But I know I can do it. I AM DOING IT. A year from now, I will be finally be able to look into the mirror and see myself without having to look beyond the pain and bad choices of my past.
Admittedly I'm scared of the changes that will inevitably come with this commitment. I know there will be some great benefits, but there will be loose skin (which will require surgery to remove) and some social changes that I have found difficult to deal with in the past. You can never underestimate how many people that are around you that need you to stay the same.
Still I've spent a lot of time besting demons and dealing with the past so I can go forward and not ever go back. I'm working again on my book, so I can purge all the stuff that haunts me, and once it's out, I won't look back. There's no need. In any journey there will always be a place of origin, I don't plan on ever going back, so there's no point in remembering how to get there.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Nearly Another Six Months, and Nearer to 40
Whew! Another five months has gone by and I still can't believe how much has been packed into that time. What hasn't been packed in is the gym. FRUSTRATING!!!!
Getting a schedule together is a priority, and hasn't been one while learning the new job (and by new job, I refer to the one that replaced the one I accepted in October). Gym shoes are a must and so is some idea of how to deal with my hair and pool time.
The weight is trickling off slowly. Like most folks, I'd rather it go racing off of me, but that' s just not how it works in the real world. Surgery is not an option. Oddly enough, I'm still too healthy. Never mind the unholy pain in my hip, over-burdened knees and wobbly bits that make a short trip on a treadmill a living nightmare. There are, as usual, bigger fish to fry. Right now... my teeth are taking center stage.
Now I've always wanted a pearly, gorgeous grill full of teeth, but no such luck. I didn't really learn good brushing habits until I was well into my 20s and was denied braces when growing up. Seems the money was better spent on cigarettes and a camper trailer - both of which I was not to enjoy. So now it's on me and I'm still trying to decide if I should go through with it.
My end of the bargain would be about 3k, even with benefits. Seems an orthodontist told my mom when I was still young enough to have it not cost a fortune, that I needed the roof of my mouth split apart or my bite would grow increasingly awkward. Sucking my thumb for a great length of my life wouldn't help either. Now, the splitting would involve surgery.
Surgery? Uh... I don't even like needles in my mouth, much less a goddamned buzz saw! And to say that I can't afford the luxury of a gorgeous smile would be an understatement. So I do what I can to just keep my teeth from falling out of my mouth.
But one of these days I'm going to get them all sparklied up and ready to dazzle, just like the rest of me.
Look out 40... here I come.
Getting a schedule together is a priority, and hasn't been one while learning the new job (and by new job, I refer to the one that replaced the one I accepted in October). Gym shoes are a must and so is some idea of how to deal with my hair and pool time.
The weight is trickling off slowly. Like most folks, I'd rather it go racing off of me, but that' s just not how it works in the real world. Surgery is not an option. Oddly enough, I'm still too healthy. Never mind the unholy pain in my hip, over-burdened knees and wobbly bits that make a short trip on a treadmill a living nightmare. There are, as usual, bigger fish to fry. Right now... my teeth are taking center stage.
Now I've always wanted a pearly, gorgeous grill full of teeth, but no such luck. I didn't really learn good brushing habits until I was well into my 20s and was denied braces when growing up. Seems the money was better spent on cigarettes and a camper trailer - both of which I was not to enjoy. So now it's on me and I'm still trying to decide if I should go through with it.
My end of the bargain would be about 3k, even with benefits. Seems an orthodontist told my mom when I was still young enough to have it not cost a fortune, that I needed the roof of my mouth split apart or my bite would grow increasingly awkward. Sucking my thumb for a great length of my life wouldn't help either. Now, the splitting would involve surgery.
Surgery? Uh... I don't even like needles in my mouth, much less a goddamned buzz saw! And to say that I can't afford the luxury of a gorgeous smile would be an understatement. So I do what I can to just keep my teeth from falling out of my mouth.
But one of these days I'm going to get them all sparklied up and ready to dazzle, just like the rest of me.
Look out 40... here I come.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Six months later
It's been a bit over six months (almost seven) since my last post to this blog. So much has happened; so much that has aged me and threatened to make me lose my way. I can't say I've not veered a little, but I can say that I'm still headed in the right direction.
Working again, I have to admit, helps. Now that I'm working near my gym, it's going to be much easier to get there. Now the trick is to figure out the right hours to go, when I can actually get on the machines and in the pool. Having long hair, also means that I'll need extra time for hair maintenance. Hmm, maybe a swim cap (then rubber smelling hair? what's the lesser of two evils, I wonder)?
In the last six months, I have lost so much. Little of it has been weight, even though I have often been without appetite and therefore not eating. Unlike some, I don't lose when I don't eat. I gain or just get sick. In the last year, I've thrown up more over stress and anxiety than I have in my whole life (and it's not like I've always been cruising at party altitudes for the past thirty years)! I have also had to eat food that I know is not good for me or is something I have trouble digesting, because it's cheap. Love the veggies, but they don't keep you filled up for long.
Having health benefits is going to work well with this journey. I'm planning to get a full exam and get some much needed procedures done (like seeing a dermatologist for the funky bump on my cheek for which I have the fine LA air - and my inability to afford facials - to thank). More importantly, I'm going to be working with my doctor to see a nutritionist or perhaps look into bariatric surgery. I still have a sliver of hope that I might be a mother one day and this body is the wrong vessel for it.
Still, a dark cloud hovers overhead. I've been through too much too recently. My focus is on fighting for and working toward my future as well as my present, and the demons that need vanquishing are the cause of all the bad weather that follows me around. Right now, I am gathering the strength and the stamina to blow those clouds away. And I think the more I take care of myself, the more my journey will be fueled.
I'm just glad I never gave in. I never completely tossed in the towel. I always kept this goal in mind and did my best not to use stress as a reason to hurt myself. Learning is good. Changing for the better, is gold. Try it. You might like it.
Working again, I have to admit, helps. Now that I'm working near my gym, it's going to be much easier to get there. Now the trick is to figure out the right hours to go, when I can actually get on the machines and in the pool. Having long hair, also means that I'll need extra time for hair maintenance. Hmm, maybe a swim cap (then rubber smelling hair? what's the lesser of two evils, I wonder)?
In the last six months, I have lost so much. Little of it has been weight, even though I have often been without appetite and therefore not eating. Unlike some, I don't lose when I don't eat. I gain or just get sick. In the last year, I've thrown up more over stress and anxiety than I have in my whole life (and it's not like I've always been cruising at party altitudes for the past thirty years)! I have also had to eat food that I know is not good for me or is something I have trouble digesting, because it's cheap. Love the veggies, but they don't keep you filled up for long.
Having health benefits is going to work well with this journey. I'm planning to get a full exam and get some much needed procedures done (like seeing a dermatologist for the funky bump on my cheek for which I have the fine LA air - and my inability to afford facials - to thank). More importantly, I'm going to be working with my doctor to see a nutritionist or perhaps look into bariatric surgery. I still have a sliver of hope that I might be a mother one day and this body is the wrong vessel for it.
Still, a dark cloud hovers overhead. I've been through too much too recently. My focus is on fighting for and working toward my future as well as my present, and the demons that need vanquishing are the cause of all the bad weather that follows me around. Right now, I am gathering the strength and the stamina to blow those clouds away. And I think the more I take care of myself, the more my journey will be fueled.
I'm just glad I never gave in. I never completely tossed in the towel. I always kept this goal in mind and did my best not to use stress as a reason to hurt myself. Learning is good. Changing for the better, is gold. Try it. You might like it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Breakdown on the Journey...
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my journey to hotness. If you know anything about what’s been going on in my life, you’d know why this has been somewhat low on my priority list. But it is worth mentioning, here, that losing one’s sense of self in the melee of stress that is unemployment is something to be watched, something to be concerned about. It is in these times that it becomes easy to forget where we are heading, forget our goals, forget things that are important to us and forget to concentrate on those things rather than the bill collectors and interviewers in one’s life.
I have not let go, have not given up. I am still working on how I feel about myself, my look, my hotness as it were. However, it is true that the trials of life have just reached a fever pitch that I can no longer ignore. I am sleeping too much lately. Sometimes, I am sleeping too little. But I am also drinking pitchers of water that I normally don’t have time to drink while working. My hair is falling out, I have sores on my head from compulsive nervous scratching (even cutting off my nails hasn't helped this) and I have unholy pains in my muscles. Yet I still am trying to get to the gym whenever possible. In fact, that last time I was there, rockin’ out to AC/DC on the seated bench press machine, a sweaty but handsome Tommy Shaw from Styx nearly snuck past me after a basketball game.
Something that cannot be overlooked, is how easily one’s self image can get tied up in money problems. I mean, first off… I’ve not been able to get a hair cut in months. That’s not to say my hair is too bad, but it doesn’t look nice and healthy and taken care of. Surely an interviewer will notice my brittle ends. My skin looks like someone has been regularly beating me. I have bumps that I cannot fathom. A facial would be exquisite right now. Exquisite and financially retarded. My food intake has largely been Barilla pasta (yummy, but not with this much regularity). Those 10 for 10 dollar sales are awesome when one wants to avoid the nutritional backslide that is ramen, but that much processed pasta takes it’s toll. It just does. So right now, for the most part, I seem to be in defense mode… making sure that all the horrible after effects of poverty don’t do maximum damage. And every now and then, I put on an outfit that makes me feel… attractive-ish. I even wore my lovely velvety high heals
to the hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint to have dinner with Skari. Made it harder than hell to get in and out of her car, what with all the aches and pains, but dammit… I wanted to feel girly! It’s rare I really go out any more!
And so it seems that I have taken a small detour on my journey. It’s as though my karmic car broke down in some bum-fuck-egypt town and I have to wait for a part that is nigh on impossible to procure. While I wait, I am still tweezing my brows and winking at myself in the mirror, just so I can remember who I am… and where I’m headed. That is, heading toward my happiness… inside and out.
I have not let go, have not given up. I am still working on how I feel about myself, my look, my hotness as it were. However, it is true that the trials of life have just reached a fever pitch that I can no longer ignore. I am sleeping too much lately. Sometimes, I am sleeping too little. But I am also drinking pitchers of water that I normally don’t have time to drink while working. My hair is falling out, I have sores on my head from compulsive nervous scratching (even cutting off my nails hasn't helped this) and I have unholy pains in my muscles. Yet I still am trying to get to the gym whenever possible. In fact, that last time I was there, rockin’ out to AC/DC on the seated bench press machine, a sweaty but handsome Tommy Shaw from Styx nearly snuck past me after a basketball game.
Something that cannot be overlooked, is how easily one’s self image can get tied up in money problems. I mean, first off… I’ve not been able to get a hair cut in months. That’s not to say my hair is too bad, but it doesn’t look nice and healthy and taken care of. Surely an interviewer will notice my brittle ends. My skin looks like someone has been regularly beating me. I have bumps that I cannot fathom. A facial would be exquisite right now. Exquisite and financially retarded. My food intake has largely been Barilla pasta (yummy, but not with this much regularity). Those 10 for 10 dollar sales are awesome when one wants to avoid the nutritional backslide that is ramen, but that much processed pasta takes it’s toll. It just does. So right now, for the most part, I seem to be in defense mode… making sure that all the horrible after effects of poverty don’t do maximum damage. And every now and then, I put on an outfit that makes me feel… attractive-ish. I even wore my lovely velvety high heals
to the hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint to have dinner with Skari. Made it harder than hell to get in and out of her car, what with all the aches and pains, but dammit… I wanted to feel girly! It’s rare I really go out any more!And so it seems that I have taken a small detour on my journey. It’s as though my karmic car broke down in some bum-fuck-egypt town and I have to wait for a part that is nigh on impossible to procure. While I wait, I am still tweezing my brows and winking at myself in the mirror, just so I can remember who I am… and where I’m headed. That is, heading toward my happiness… inside and out.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
My Crush on Mr. Spock Comes Full Circle
Recently, during a chat with a friend, I suddenly realized that my two most major relationships were with men who bear a striking physical resemblance to Mr. Spock, of the original Star Trek series. I can remember finding him attractive at a very, very early age. My first crush, when I was five, was on a 22 year old friend of my cousin's who was, shock of all shocks, tall, lean, dark haired and of lowish voice. But I say that my fascination was with Spock, rather than the Leonard Nimoy,who portrayed the character (for those of you just crawling out of your cave or the womb or both) because the attraction was a full package. The "package" I refer to, of course, would be the combo of the pointy ears and eyebrows, unreasonably snug clothing, deep voice and unnaturally shiny hair. Until recently I hadn't much considered the character's phlegmatic, if somewhat patronizing nature to be any factor. Yet as I revisited my old flame via TVLAND, a few nights ago, I realized that I had largely found that attractive as well (not necessarily now, mind you). Not knowing what Leonard Nimoy was like, it just seemed right and reasonable and if I may... logical, to assign my penchant to his Vulcan alter-ego. And although I thought this would be a fun enough revelation to share as a blip, I found my way to New York Times article, while searching for a delicious image of my alien love model this morning, and it is just too fascinating (and relevant) to pass up pointing out.
It turns out, that Mr. Nimoy is a noted and published photographer. Naturally, since I don't follow the personal lives of performers I like, I didn't know that. Apparently, he had a very successful run with his Shekhina project and during that time was approached by an obese woman who had asked if he would like to photograph her. The article ends with pointing out that while Nimoy finds his models beautiful, that he is not necessarily sexually attracted to them which, I think, is entirely fair and intriguing that it be his response after seeing all of these women naked.
The reason this blog ended up here, in a place where I am sharing my feelings about how to come to terms with my body image and what I want that image to be, should seem obvious once you have read the article. If you can't be bothered to read it, I'll try to put this as plainly as I can. That is, naked, I look just like these women. To see them being portrayed, not as monsterous, boil festering, filthy, smelly ogres is so new it shocked me to see these images. Even pornography aimed at men who desire women just like the models in this project, usually features the most degrading and grotesque caricatures of everything hateful you could assume of a fat woman.
As I have said before, while I do not find myself to be ugly, nasty, gross, or any other of the usual negative adjectives assigned to women of such weight, I have had more negative input on my body than any other aspect of my life. I was conditioned from the time I was a toddler, as most are, to consider women who look like these models... women who look like me, to be nothing short of disgusting. It is a conditioning I fight every single day. I'm terrified that if I don't fit into the culturally imposed idea of beauty and sexiness, that the deficit of affection, intimate companionship, romance and sexual expression burning a hole in me, will swallow me. Yet my refusal to succumb to that expectation (coupled with my upbringing), is precisely what got me into this predicament. The irony of that fact is not lost on me.
Yes, I do still have a shred of hope that there are men out there who are less concerned with body image and more concerned about ALL of the things that make up the attractiveness of a woman. I've held onto ridiculous amounts of hope for a long, long time. Believe me. I have soldiered through the immense pain brought on by men who have cared deeply for me but could not get past the social stigma of being with a large woman (even when they found me sexually irresistible). I have courageously exposed my hope on dating sites full of men who lust after large women, and learned that a large percentage of them want such a woman for all the wrong reasons (certainly where I am concerned. The two biggest being the misconception that we are either all completely lacking in self esteem, or ball busting Brunhildas). One man described what he imagined my body to look like in a way that I am certain to have been a pleasurable, sexual image, but literally made me want to throw up. Not because he was being nasty, but because everything he had described was exactly what I been being trained to abhor in others, and particularly hate in myself. Just remebering my reaction, now, terrifies me and I believe that moment was the catalyst for realizing that I need to change. fter all, it would never occur to me to hate another person for not being just like me. How sad that I would feel revulsion over someone who does?!
Finding one more man, willing to assert the notion that a flat stomach, tiny breasts and boyish hips are not the only attributes of beauty in a woman gave me the dose of hope I needed today.
So maybe Mr. Spock got all the looks,
but it looks like Lenny got all the character. Maybe I was on the right track after all! ;-)
It turns out, that Mr. Nimoy is a noted and published photographer. Naturally, since I don't follow the personal lives of performers I like, I didn't know that. Apparently, he had a very successful run with his Shekhina project and during that time was approached by an obese woman who had asked if he would like to photograph her. The article ends with pointing out that while Nimoy finds his models beautiful, that he is not necessarily sexually attracted to them which, I think, is entirely fair and intriguing that it be his response after seeing all of these women naked.
The reason this blog ended up here, in a place where I am sharing my feelings about how to come to terms with my body image and what I want that image to be, should seem obvious once you have read the article. If you can't be bothered to read it, I'll try to put this as plainly as I can. That is, naked, I look just like these women. To see them being portrayed, not as monsterous, boil festering, filthy, smelly ogres is so new it shocked me to see these images. Even pornography aimed at men who desire women just like the models in this project, usually features the most degrading and grotesque caricatures of everything hateful you could assume of a fat woman.
As I have said before, while I do not find myself to be ugly, nasty, gross, or any other of the usual negative adjectives assigned to women of such weight, I have had more negative input on my body than any other aspect of my life. I was conditioned from the time I was a toddler, as most are, to consider women who look like these models... women who look like me, to be nothing short of disgusting. It is a conditioning I fight every single day. I'm terrified that if I don't fit into the culturally imposed idea of beauty and sexiness, that the deficit of affection, intimate companionship, romance and sexual expression burning a hole in me, will swallow me. Yet my refusal to succumb to that expectation (coupled with my upbringing), is precisely what got me into this predicament. The irony of that fact is not lost on me.
Yes, I do still have a shred of hope that there are men out there who are less concerned with body image and more concerned about ALL of the things that make up the attractiveness of a woman. I've held onto ridiculous amounts of hope for a long, long time. Believe me. I have soldiered through the immense pain brought on by men who have cared deeply for me but could not get past the social stigma of being with a large woman (even when they found me sexually irresistible). I have courageously exposed my hope on dating sites full of men who lust after large women, and learned that a large percentage of them want such a woman for all the wrong reasons (certainly where I am concerned. The two biggest being the misconception that we are either all completely lacking in self esteem, or ball busting Brunhildas). One man described what he imagined my body to look like in a way that I am certain to have been a pleasurable, sexual image, but literally made me want to throw up. Not because he was being nasty, but because everything he had described was exactly what I been being trained to abhor in others, and particularly hate in myself. Just remebering my reaction, now, terrifies me and I believe that moment was the catalyst for realizing that I need to change. fter all, it would never occur to me to hate another person for not being just like me. How sad that I would feel revulsion over someone who does?!
Finding one more man, willing to assert the notion that a flat stomach, tiny breasts and boyish hips are not the only attributes of beauty in a woman gave me the dose of hope I needed today.
So maybe Mr. Spock got all the looks,
but it looks like Lenny got all the character. Maybe I was on the right track after all! ;-)
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