Six months later

It's been a bit over six months (almost seven) since my last post to this blog. So much has happened; so much that has aged me and threatened to make me lose my way. I can't say I've not veered a little, but I can say that I'm still headed in the right direction.

Working again, I have to admit, helps. Now that I'm working near my gym, it's going to be much easier to get there. Now the trick is to figure out the right hours to go, when I can actually get on the machines and in the pool. Having long hair, also means that I'll need extra time for hair maintenance. Hmm, maybe a swim cap (then rubber smelling hair? what's the lesser of two evils, I wonder)?

In the last six months, I have lost so much. Little of it has been weight, even though I have often been without appetite and therefore not eating. Unlike some, I don't lose when I don't eat. I gain or just get sick. In the last year, I've thrown up more over stress and anxiety than I have in my whole life (and it's not like I've always been cruising at party altitudes for the past thirty years)! I have also had to eat food that I know is not good for me or is something I have trouble digesting, because it's cheap. Love the veggies, but they don't keep you filled up for long.

Having health benefits is going to work well with this journey. I'm planning to get a full exam and get some much needed procedures done (like seeing a dermatologist for the funky bump on my cheek for which I have the fine LA air - and my inability to afford facials - to thank). More importantly, I'm going to be working with my doctor to see a nutritionist or perhaps look into bariatric surgery. I still have a sliver of hope that I might be a mother one day and this body is the wrong vessel for it.

Still, a dark cloud hovers overhead. I've been through too much too recently. My focus is on fighting for and working toward my future as well as my present, and the demons that need vanquishing are the cause of all the bad weather that follows me around. Right now, I am gathering the strength and the stamina to blow those clouds away. And I think the more I take care of myself, the more my journey will be fueled.

I'm just glad I never gave in. I never completely tossed in the towel. I always kept this goal in mind and did my best not to use stress as a reason to hurt myself. Learning is good. Changing for the better, is gold. Try it. You might like it.