A new journey begins.

A year ago, on March 27, I commented to a friend about how much slimmer she looked. I was thrilled for her, knowing she'd wrestled with how to get the weight off previously and she explained that she and her boyfriend had gone on a program that she found through her friend Anita and that Anita would be at her birthday party the following night if I wanted to learn more about it.

At the time, I remember my stomach tying in knots. It always does when someone has a suggestion about how I can lose weight. I'm always fearful that they're going to become dogged about it with me, checking on every weigh in, watching everything I eat (which has happened to me so many times I've lost count). Even now, I can't be certain if the vomiting and headache that ensued later that night and for the entirety of the next two days (thus disallowing me to go to the party) was the over-exposure to the sun or some kind of resistance to being approached by a diet peddler. Perhaps it was both.

Five months later, at the boyfriend's birthday party, I finally met Anita. In fact I probably spent nearly the entire party talking with her about various things, and even a bit about the program she works with called Take Shape For Life, which (as I understand it thus far) is a combination of the Medifast diet and personalized support from a Health Coach (ie. Anita).

I can't say now what made me think this program would be the right one for me. After all, I know I can lose weight with the Suzanne Sommers diet. I have, I do. But I think it came down to a combination of things. First, the testimonies from my friends who had utilized the program, third-person testimonies and finally one of the biggest draws... not having to think about food for a while.

It may sound strange to hear, but a good deal of the weight carry now is largely due to being utterly sick to death of trying to figure out today what I want to eat tomorrow and so on. Then there's the lack of refrigerator/freezer space where I live, the fact that we've had a barely functioning stove/oven for the last two years and the stress of a constantly changing job. The idea, right now, of having all my meals be thought out and ready is like a miracle. Finally, I had asked my doctor about eight years ago (when I'd lost a considerable amount of weight and hit a horrible plateau I couldn't get past) to put me on a meal replacement program and was denied. Instead I was offered drugs that would cost me $200 a week and would most likely be the cause of my regularly losing my bowels. Nothing like a little anal leakage amongst friends, right? So this was the kind of thing I'd hoped for and when I couldn't get it through my doctor, had pretty much given up. I can't describe the demoralization that comes from having lost 70 pounds and still be wearing the same clothing size and to know you've put in ungodly amounts of work and sacrificed to see nearly no results. It finally came down to this being a bit of a no brainer.

Still as appealing as this program sounded, and as fed up as I am with carrying around all the excess weight, there was a major hurdle... cost. Coming up with 300 dollars a month for food has been impossible. It'd be one thing if the food would show up at my door the next day, but I'd still have to eat and pay for life's little expenditures in the mean time. So although I had originally set a date to place the order in December, it took until now to get it situated.

Last night I finally placed the order and I couldn't be more excited. I know it's not going to be a complete cake walk (so to speak). Most of my socializing is done around food for a very good reason! It's economically more sensible. It's very difficult to have separate budgets for food AND entertainment. And now, knowing that orders are going to be automatically generated every month, I'm going to have to crack down even harder. But I know I can do it. I AM DOING IT. A year from now, I will be finally be able to look into the mirror and see myself without having to look beyond the pain and bad choices of my past.

Admittedly I'm scared of the changes that will inevitably come with this commitment. I know there will be some great benefits, but there will be loose skin (which will require surgery to remove) and some social changes that I have found difficult to deal with in the past. You can never underestimate how many people that are around you that need you to stay the same.

Still I've spent a lot of time besting demons and dealing with the past so I can go forward and not ever go back. I'm working again on my book, so I can purge all the stuff that haunts me, and once it's out, I won't look back. There's no need. In any journey there will always be a place of origin, I don't plan on ever going back, so there's no point in remembering how to get there.